Too Strong

Recently, I had a pregnancy scare. It wasn’t a terribly traumatic thing; yes, it’s true that I’m not ready, but it’s also true that I’m more ready than I was five years ago when I last had a serious scare due to a broken condom.  So it wasn’t the end of the world, but I was understandably nervous. I made one giant key mistake in dealing with this: I told the fiance that I was concerned that I was late before I took a test to confirm that I was or was not pregnant.

Oh, stupid Onion Girl, you say, never ever do that. Always just take the test. But see, I had to tell him why I was going to be spending money we really don’t have much of at the drug store. So I felt the need to at least tell him why.

Perhaps unsurprisingly, he responded as all men seem to if they’re not actively trying to have children. I mean, this was a movie classic type response. Full on wide eyed denial of ability to cope and trying to convince me that we weren’t “ready” for a child. Now, fundamentally, I agree with that, but at that moment, I didn’t want someone to jump on me and try to convince me of anything. I wasn’t sure what I wanted for a while, but I knew that I didn’t want what he did.

After an hour or so of silent treatment and the subsequent test that revealed that I was not in fact spawning, I finally took him to task on it. He knew I was upset, but wasn’t sure how he could have responded better.

Eventually I pinpointed it. I said, “You know, I wish you could have just held me and told me it was going to be all right, and that you were there with me.” I started to cry, which I hate doing, and buried my head in a comforter that was soothing and muffling.

He said something indicative of who I am as a person. He said, “I’m so sorry. That was so selfish of me… I never think that you want that, because you’re just too strong.”

I’m just too strong. That’s what happens when you go into a little girl’s room at night and fuck around with the building blocks of her sanity, sexuality, and self esteem. She grows up to be “too strong” to cry and “too strong” to need help because no one dares to reach out to her. Thanks, Monster.

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~ by oniongirl13 on April 10, 2009.

3 Responses to “Too Strong”

  1. You deserve better than everything that has happened to you so far. You know how on a dinner plate there is the meat, the potatoes, the veggies, and the dessert? Well all you have had so far are the veggies and a glimpse of the potatoes/meat. Soon you will get to enjoy the meat, the potatoes, and best of all the dessert. Good things are coming, oniongirl.

  2. Strong can be a reality. Strong can be a facade. Strong can be an illusion. Each day survivors seem to vacillate from one kind of strong to another. We all need someone to let us cry, to give us a hug, to accept us wherever we are at in that moment.

    Good for you for saying what you needed. Even if it was after the fact. Good for you.

    I too had a pregnancy scare half a lifetime ago. His treatment of me is why I decided that I would never marry him or have a child with him. Actions and words do matter.

    Kate

  3. Hi, interesting post. I have been pondering this topic,so thanks for blogging. I’ll likely be subscribing to your blog. Keep up the good posts

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