Cheap.

As a survivor of abuse, I had scars to deal with. I had to learn what was right about sex and what was wrong all over again. I made mistakes – so many mistakes. I had pain during sex and convinced myself if I was just with the right guy, it would go away.  Romantic notion, but I was sixteen at the time. I don’t think I’m the only survivor that became hypersexualized and unable to reconcile what I needed with what I wanted. I’m not the only one who started to base their entire self esteem on whether or not they were attractive.

I ran into a song yesterday. It’s called, “Love, Save the Empty” by Erin McCarley.

Little girls don’t know how to be sweet girls.
Mama didn’t teach me.
Little boys don’t know how to treat little girls.
Daddy didn’t show me.

Face down, on top of your bed.
Oh why did I give it up to you?
Is this how I shoot myself up high,
Just high enough to get through?

Again, the false affection.
Again, we break down inside.
Love save the empty.
Love save the empty, and save me.

Sad boy, you stare up at the sky
When no one’s looking back at you.
You wear your every last disguise;
You’re flying, then you fall through.

Again, the false attention.
Again, you’re breaking inside.
Love save the empty.
Love save the empty, save me.
Love save the empty.
Love save the empty.

Stars feel like knives,
They tell us why we’re fighting.
Storm, wait outside.
Oh, love, hold us together.

Love, save the empty.
Love, save the empty.
Love, save the empty.
Love, save the empty, and save me.
And save me.

It struck such a deep chord with me that I figured I would share. Has anyone else ever felt after sex like it was dirty, useless, like you did it for the wrong reasons? This, as Butterfly would say, is why you shouldn’t fuck kids. We end up with fucked up priorities about sex and love and no way to reconcile our sexual beings with love.

Advertisements

~ by oniongirl13 on April 19, 2009.

5 Responses to “Cheap.”

  1. Seriously, this is why you shouldn’t fuck kids. You would never have learned that sex was dirty unless people made you feel that way.

    I turned into the other kind of survivor, the virgin kind who waited way too long to have sex, and still having a hard time with figuring out how to really be present during sex.

    I wish we could all learn sex the healthy way. Between two consenting adults, and maybe even some love.

    • Atop that, I would never have gone hyper-sexual and convinced myself that there was some magical formula for sex being good external to myself. Turns out all I had to do was get comfortable with who I was and what my body wanted. Funny that, the solution was in me all along.

  2. I’m on the virgin end too, mostly, although with some beautiful exceptions I don’t regret. As a gay person, most of the times I had sex with men pretty much fell into the category of useless and done for the wrong reasons, although I don’t remember feeling dirty. I have felt dirty if I feel and act on desire and am rejected, though.

    • I definitely share that feeling with rejection. I’m not sure why, exactly, but maybe it has to do with being afraid of being judged. I remember vividly a time that someone started something with me and then stopped abruptly and told me that was as much as he wanted because he was interested in starting a relationship with someone else. It crushed me for weeks, but again, see my “crazy” page about that.

  3. Has anyone else ever felt after sex like it was dirty, useless, like you did it for the wrong reasons?

    Yeah. I have heard so many survivors say that they felt this way. They often don’t even think their is anything wrong with feeling that way, just normal for them.

    Yeah. Was in one relationship where he was evil, so not sure how much of that was me and my stuff or his misogyny and displaced hatred.

    Kate

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

 
%d bloggers like this: