The Strength of Survival

I’m in a lot of pain. Back a few months ago, I posted about a toothache that was crippling until I got it fixed. It’s happening again, but worse. I have a wisdom tooth that I’m sure has gone south, due to the swelling in the area and the pain radiating to my eye and nose and spiking hard whenever I lie down.

I haven’t slept more than an hour at a time in almost a week, and I’m starting to hallucinate a little. Nothing serious, not anything “crazy” but little things, like forgetting if I’ve done something or not. Starting a pot on the stove and being sure I added the noodles already and coming up to an empty pot.  It’s a little frightening. I’m pretty sure I haven’t gotten REM sleep in that long, and it’s making me ill. I’m in enough pain that I’m not able to lie down any more, because the changes in blood flow make it excruciating. I’m sleeping in my desk chair to limited success.

I’m also crying a great deal, which seems in some weird way to help. Sobbing loudly and venting my pain makes it hurt less, or at least, makes the endorphins kick in easier so I suffer it a little less. Unfortunately, when I cry, it scares Fiance, who is very worried about me.

Today he cried a little because he has to go to work and is loathe to leave me alone. I’m calling around to dentists in vain hope of a financing plan, though I know seriously that most of them will want a grand or so up front which I do not have. The last time this happened, they wanted 1.6k up front before they’d even look at me. There is some vague hope in me that some other place I haven’t found yet will be more understanding and less interested in the bottom line, but it’s a very tenuous one.

Fiance stopped at the door and looked at me as he left and said, “You’re so much stronger than I am.” I said hollowly, “I’m not strong. I’m just surviving.”

I’m trying to figure out if I really am that strong, and what the hell to do about this. I cannot go on with this the way it is, and I’m between a rock and a hard place. Wish me luck on calls.


~ by oniongirl13 on January 25, 2010.

3 Responses to “The Strength of Survival”

  1. You are strong and you are survivor. I hope you can find a dentist. Jenny

  2. Sweet Onion Girl,

    This sounds absolutely horrible. Can you go to the emergency room? My understanding of tooth pain situations is that when swelling is involved, you have a short amount of time before the infection can lead to very serious harm (like death). At the very least, the emergency room has to treat you, and they will put you on a financing plan.


  3. you poor thing — in my town there is a low-income dental clinic at the university, where dental students (supervised of course) will treat people for a nominal fee. is there something like that in your area? you might also find out if there is an inner-city free clinic. my dentist gives two days a month to a clinic like that.

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