Stunting Growth

One of the more frustrating things in my life is the feeling that I am slow; I’m not physically or mentally disabled, though there arguments for my emotional upset slowing down my mental process. I’m not sure either way, really. However, in the milestones of adult life, I feel very much behind. I do not own a car, or a house. I am not successfully employed in a life defining career and I am still at least a year or two from even considering children as a possibility – though I am not yet at an age where that’s becoming an urgent thought.

In particular with children, I’m not sure I’m ever going to be ready. I’ve begun contemplating the difficult possibility that I may decide not to have children at all. Until now I have generally assumed that children were in my future; I am female, I like children, that’s what women do, right? But more and more, I’m beginning to see the difference between someone who is a parent and someone who is a good parent.

More and more, I’m beginning to wonder if I would be a good parent, or just a parent who had children because they believed it was their role in the world. I’m not ready to be either, now, but I’d rather never be the latter. So I have begun the soul searching process of trying to determine if perhaps I should put that possibility out of my life.

Please understand what follows is not a judgment of anyone else in similar situations. I am, by and large, speaking of my own reactions to the things that have become a part of my life and identity, not saying “If you have been through X, you should not do Y.” I acknowledge quite heartily that there are plenty of people who have had similar experiences to mine that turn out to be exemplary parents.

However, I have a lot to work through, a lot to deal with, and I don’t feel that I can in good conscience attempt to devote that much of my self to a living being until I’m a lot more sublime with the things I’m dealing with. For me, personally, dealing with a lot of this has meant accepting the fundamentally selfish (but necessary) reality that I need to do a lot of self-work and soul searching. I’m not sure I can focus that much inward and that much outward at the same time, and once I had a child, it would feel self indulgent and neglectful to spend as much time as I do in that kind of contemplation and personal work.

That makes me angry. It makes me angry that people have victimized me in ways that both hurt me, and make me feel guilty for “indulging” myself the time needed to heal.

I feel backwards sometimes, lost, adrift in my other country.

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~ by oniongirl13 on February 14, 2010.

2 Responses to “Stunting Growth”

  1. I think the fact that you are thinking about these things so thoroughly speaks volumes about who you are and who you want to be. I think it’s absolutely wonderful.

  2. I agree with Butterfly.

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