Rape is okay when… (1)

I’ve decided to make a series of posts about this particular topic, because it’s so goddamn big that I can’t even come close to containing it in one. So this is part one of many installments of the great fallacies of when it is okay to rape. Specifically, there are a lot of excuses people give for when it’s okay. It was rape, but… Well she… And he… But if she hadn’t…

Let’s start with perhaps the most sticky, annoying, and darkest one because well, I hear it a lot. For some reason, which I cannot fathom, people really do have this notion (a lot more than other notions) that rape is okay if the rapist (RAPIST) is a boyfriend, husband, or long term lover.

Did you see what I did right there? I called him a rapist. He is not a boyfriend who pushed a little too far or a husband who was “taking his rights”. He is a rapist. A RAPIST. A person who has raped someone. I’m going to come back to this point again and again in these posts (when I get to them) and here it is: He is a rapist. A person who has raped someone. He has forced his sexual attentions on someone who did not want them. Period. I’m not going to soften the language. I’m not going to say things “got out of hand” or well, they have a lot of history and… No. A person who has raped someone is a rapist.

Thing is, the best analogies I’ve ever come up with or read for explaining why rape isn’t okay have involved money. We’re a capitalist society, see, so the one thing I’ve found that people all understand is the concept of someone taking your money away. You know, we don’t have a universal understanding that it’s wrong to force your penis (or hands, or objects) inside someone, but hey, that’s my 20$, give it back.

Regardless, that’s the best comparison, because I’ve found that while it takes being raped or knowing someone who’s been raped to care about sexual violence, we’ve all been raised to care about money!

Picture this.

I have a cable company. Their services are decent, I’ve been using the same services for about 4 months. There’s been some outages but nothing too terrible. I decide, you know, I’m not using the internet that much at home, I’m going to disconnect it. I tell them that I do not want their services anymore. They continue to charge my bank account for their services, even though I am not using and do not want their services.

That is a lawsuit, ladies and gentlemen.

Oh wait, you say, but you’re still getting internet! And the woman did get sex out of the bargain!

Let’s say you go to the same coffee bar every day for about two years. You pay 3.03$ for a small latte with foam and cinnamon.  One day you’re in the coffee place and you get to the counter and say, you know, never mind. I don’t have the money today to spend and I really can’t afford to do this every day, so I’m just going to leave, sorry for wasting your time. The barrista pursues you from the counter to the door. “Please buy our coffee. Please? I really want you to. You always bought our coffee before! What’s the matter with you that you don’t want coffee?”

You firmly refuse the coffee and try to leave. The barrista pushes you up against a wall and rips your clothing apart trying to get at your wallet. You fight back, and she punches you in the face to subdue you so she can get what she’s after. She takes out the 3.03$ and puts the coffee down by your feet as you sit there on the floor of the coffee shop stunned and violated by someone taking something from you that you clearly stated you didn’t want them to take.

An established relationship does by no means entitle someone to take something from you. The cable company doesn’t get to keep taking your money after you’ve discontinued service and the barrista doesn’t get to knock you over and steal 3.03$ from your wallet just because you’ve bought that coffee for two years.

Similarly, no relationship of a romantic nature entitles a rapist to rape their partner. I’m doing that thing again where I call a rapist a rapist, just in case you missed it.

I’m going to end every post in this series with this message:

There is no circumstance under which it is okay to rape someone. Either it is rape, or it is not. Either they give their consent, or they do not. Either you are a rapist, or you are not.

You pick.


~ by oniongirl13 on March 7, 2010.

One Response to “Rape is okay when… (1)”

  1. You rock, Oniongirl. I love the coffee explanation. Perfect. I look forward to the series.

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