How are you?

They say that the first step to recovery is admitting the problem. What they never tell you is that the “problem” is a Pandora’s box of trouble, and once it’s open, you can’t easily shut it again and go back to being in denial. Once you finally break down and say, “I’m X!” be it addicted, crazy, abused, however you’re mentally affected… Once you do, the door is open, and you better hope you’re ready to handle it.

Which is not to say I advocate putting your head in the sand and pretending everything is okay. What I do caution, however, is that when you open up the box where you admit you are mentally ill, you find yourself totally turned upside down, and you are going to need help. If you don’t have that help, can’t get that help, and can’t get references that tell you that the help you’re getting is good help? Don’t do it yet. Find the help first. Then open the box.

What prompted this first post in forever? Well, for the most part, I’ve given up on “real” life. By that, I mean, I’m blogging anon again because my attempts to be open and wildly honest about who I am and boy did that fail. I found out that the people that I have established as my “friends” for the last fifteen-twenty years of my life have no interest in that “me”. They want an oniongirl that is whole and normal and healed and doesn’t do anything so gauche as to scream about 6 year olds thrashing their asses and pelvic thrusting to single ladies. They don’t want to hear about rape culture or victim blaming.

So be it. People who read this blog do want to read about that because they come here to find something all that polite shit doesn’t cover. To put it simply, there are two types of friends in the world. I can narrow them down to oe simple interaction. The way they ask, and you respond, to the question, “How are you?”

There are some friends who ask that as a way of saying “hello”. They do not want a real answer. They do not want, “Shitty, but I’m working on it.” They want, “Ok, how’re you?” Similarly, there are some friends you do not wish to answer honestly. There are some friends that you would rather shut the door on forever than honestly tell them how you’re doing.

I’ve stopped talking to those people. I found they made up a vast majority of my life, these people who only wanted to know me so long as it was convenient and perhaps amusing. But in retrospect, I realized I had nowhere to write, no one to talk to. My personal blog has been shut down, because I don’t want to tell those people anything anymore in that venue. I do like some of those people enough to tell them how I am truly. Just not there. So that’s that.

Perhaps I’ll blog a little, or a lot. I’ve read roughly a metric fuckton of psych books in the last year. I’ll recommend some. If you buy them through my links, I’ll even get a kickback, so that’d be neat. I’ll write when I’m able, when I have something to say.

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~ by oniongirl13 on April 30, 2011.

4 Responses to “How are you?”

  1. How are you?
    Peace.

  2. Hey, we’re here for you…

    Funny, I’ve faced this “how are you” situation too, and it took me some time, when I was growing up, to understand why mere acquaintances would ask me such a personal question, and then look annoyed when I answered in earnest. Yep, I’m an alien.

    More seriously : some years ago, I felt compelled to tell my two closest friends about being a victim of incest – my opening of the pandora box. We don’t live in the same part of the country. One day when I was on vacations in their town, I told them both. I left their place and I came back the next day, expecting that we would be able to talk about it once the initial shock had worn away. I couldn’t bring the subject forward, and they didn’t either. I had come to talk to them, they didn’t reject me though, but their concern for me was silent. I felt let down. I left, and I cried about it more than once.

    It took me some time to resume my previous level of confidence in them, but it did happen eventually. I think they couldn’t bring themselves to speak about what they knew was a tremendously painful subject for me. Such things – they’re unspeakable.

    Still they’ve supported me a lot in other parts of my life since (my divorce), so I know they still want to be my friends.

    Now, in retrospect, after those few years since I’ve told them, I’m glad I did, even though it’s been pretty tough not to get any response back then. All of us know “it” now. “It” is not hidden. I don’t feel shame “because I’m damaged goods and even my closest friends don’t know about it”, as I used to feel. I’m not living a lie of a life anymore. And when we chat and I happen to allude to “previous sufferings”, I know they get my meaning, even though they won’t comment, ever. In the end telling them did bring me peace.

    I have opened my Pandora’s box in real conversations with psychologists, and a great deal on the net too, like right now. I’ve found it quite impossible to have a discussion about that part of my life with real people who are not health professionals. But still, I’m not locking anything away, I don’t feel locked.

    I know that I can tell this tidbit of info about me to whomever I want, in the real world. I know it will upset them tremendously. I know we won’t have a discussion about it afterwards. I also know that I can tell “it” without damaging my relationship with the persons if they’re real friends. I also know that I can tell “it” without collapsing myself. I’m strong. I’m free.

    Give yourself and your emotions some time. I’m sure that in the end, you’ll feel better about having opened the Box.

    • Thank you for your words. I’m processing right now so there’s very little for me to say. But I do appreciate the support.

  3. You’re welcome 😉

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