Contemplations

Recently, I watched a TED Talks speech by Brené Brown. I really recommend it. Here it is, full length. I didn’t embed, because TED Talks uses something that seems to load videos to play immediately and that always startles me when I’m surfing.

What she says resonates deeply with me, and rouses conflict. It hurts, because I want to be one of those whole hearted people. I sometimes lean close, but I find myself in petty, insecure habits, or anxious and offended by my perceptions of what people think of me. I’m not one of those people by nature. I wish I were. I have a lot of things in my past that would make being vulnerable more difficult, so I suppose in terms of the greater picture, I have done very well for myself. I’ve reached a willingness to try to be vulnerable, to listen, to be seen. That’s a good place to start.

I need to get her first book, and begin looking at what she found. I’m not able to afford a therapist right now, and that’s all right. I can at least try to help myself, and read things that improve me rather than just entertain me. Entertaining can be improving, but there are times when I need something more filling for the soul. I’ve boiled down her talk to a mantra to use on my own. Maybe, over time, I can start to change.

Love unconditionally, embrace imperfection, encompass compassion, be authentic and vulnerable.

I am enough.

The quandary I run into with this mantra is that there are people in my life, or in my spheres of travel that work hard from the outside to convince me that I am not enough. They convince me that my imperfections are ugly, or that my authentic self is flawed and should be hidden. They, obviously, love only conditionally. They are not bad people, they are people who have not embraced that same mantra. They do not believe they are enough, and they are insecure, and in pain. While I have compassion for them, I’m not sure I can have those people in my life.

It’s hard enough to embrace the tenants I’ve written above without the burden of someone else’s conflict. So for now, I need to start to move my life away from people who are further away from this place I’m working toward. It isn’t the only way, nor do I feel I have the answers. I have my answers, and I need to migrate toward places and people who can embrace the same ones or respect my doing so.

This means taking people out of my life who have, in the past, been essentially family to me. It is a strange thing for me. I read other blogs of people who have effectively sliced out entire branches of family, or all of their family, and I never thought I would be in that position. I have always felt like I had it good, and in many ways I do. However, until I’m more able to believe those things about myself, and about others, I need to remove myself from places that are detrimental to my journey. If I were walking through the woods toward home and someone tried to yell, cajole, or convince me to step off the path, I would ignore them. That’s what I have to do now.

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~ by oniongirl13 on May 15, 2011.

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