What if?

All my life, I have prided myself on not allowing expectations to define me. But haven’t they?

I was born into a family that prided themselves on being LGBTQ friendly – in 1982, before it was trendy. I marched in my first Pride parade when I was 7 years old, proudly holding up a banner with six other people that read, “SILENCE = DEATH”. It came up to my nose. I raised my tiny fist in the air and yelled, “WE’RE HERE, WE’RE QUEER, AND WE’RE NOT GOING SHOPPING!” long before I had a clue of what the joke meant.

My mother has asked me many a time if I’m sure I’m not gay, and it’s not because she wants to push me that way. It’s not because she’s convinced I should be gay. At the very worst, it’s because she always wanted to support me. She always wanted to fly the flag for me and shout. It’s sad that being bi was never enough to have pride about.


Tonight, for the very first time, I asked myself the question I have been avoiding for 20+ years:

Am I transgendered/transsexual/intersex?

I’ve always wanted to have a baby, but at the same time, I didn’t want to be the one having it. I did, but I didn’t. In “If These Walls Could Talk,” Ellen talks about feeling insecure and useless because they’re having a baby and she can’t put it there. I empathized so strongly that I have never to this day finished that movie, and this is the first time I’ve even talked about it.

Usually, I discard notions of being trans because, well, I like men, don’t I? I like the cock, therefore I can’t be a man! Except that’s… Ridiculous. Ridiculously ridiculous. Because there’s all these men out there that are, you know, gay. Then I feel foolish, because isn’t it an awful lot of work, the notion of transitioning to male only to be a gay male? The thing is, I like gay sex, I lust after it. Maybe I’m not trans. Maybe I just have a lot of lust for the one thing I can’t ever be a part of directly.

I’ve had sex with a woman, with a strap on. It was fantastic. I’ve written, played, and acted as male characters before, and been told I have such an intimate understanding of the complications men face that it’s surprising that I’m a girl. I’ve been called out for being a “mangina” on the internets before because clearly I’m a guy.

The thing is, I’m not sure. I’m not sure at all. I saw this interview with this man who looks like a biker and has a clit instead of a cock and suddenly I felt my heart race and just thought, “But he could do it. It exists. I could… Be a man with girlparts and that would be okay?”

This isn’t about coming out as trans. Maybe after I’ve thought it through, and looked at myself seriously, I’ll answer the question and the answer will be, “No. I’m not trans. I just have a very fluid gender definition and I feel very androgyne.”

But I have to ask the question. What if?


~ by oniongirl13 on June 28, 2011.

3 Responses to “What if?”

  1. :D!!!!!!

    I only veeeery recently decided I was trans, too. The difficulty I had, and that I imagine you’re having, in coming to that realisation was that I don’t fit the accepted trans narrative; I was really, really girly as a child. I can’t say “oh I always knewww~”; I’ll never stop wearing dresses.

    Plus, I don’t really resent my actual body. My voice bothers me because it’s this gratuitously light coloratura soprano voice, but other than that, I resent the gendering other people impose onto my breasts, my tiny hands, and my genitals, far more than I mind having those body parts. I actually kinda like the idea of giving birth. (though clearly you don’t; I’m basically vomiting my gender identity into your comments at this point.)

    so basically: The feelings you’ve expressed in this post remind me so much of my own experience that I have a hard time imagining you aren’t some flavour of trans*. I totally understand being all “wait I might be trans but no living as a woman isn’t THAT bad wait yes it kinda is augh why is gender so complicated.”

  2. I read somewhere that a lot of women are into guy on guy porn, and that unlike men, women get turned on by sexual chemistry between people not necessarily whether we can relate to one of the participants. Lots of people like strap on sex, even straight couples who do it with the woman strapping on. Sexual fantasy about being a guy has got to be fairly common among women, I’m thinking.

    Personally, I really am not that attached to what sex I am. If someone put me in a male body, I’d be male, but I’m in a female body so I’m female. I’d do fine either way, and I’m certain wouldn’t feel like I was in the wrong body. My gender identity is that I find talk about gender annoying. I’d rather talk about equality, and freedom to dress and behave in whatever way feels natural, as long as no-one gets hurt. I like the girly stuff, but I am also a bit of a guy in lots of ways according to my wife. This is not anything against people who do feel that they need to change their body to fit their sense of self, I’m just pretty certain I wouldn’t. People who are transsexual know at a pretty young age, from what I understand and they’ve got a right to do what feels right for them. I happen to be female and am good with that, despite the rape and discrimination. I think if a person is going to be androgynous, it’s a lot easier to do that in a woman’s body.

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