What if, part the second

I’ve spent some time thinking about it. And I don’t know if I’m trans or not. I don’t know if I have such a dysmorphic dislike of my own body that I feel it isn’t mine, or if I’m just unhappy at being fatter than I’d like to be. I do know that I have gender bending tendencies. I’d like to butch out now and then. I’d like to learn to pass, somehow, if I want to go somewhere safe to do so.

The one thing I have firmly established from this meandering is that I need to put the hammer down on differentiating between, “attracted to” and “want to be like them.” It’s a very strange situation for a bisexual genderqueer to be in. Sometimes I see someone and I think they’re just the bees damn knees, and I knew this about women. Some women I wasn’t attracted to; I just wanted to be like them. I wanted to be more tolerant, or more pretty in some specific way, or what have you. I think this revelation has taught me that I can feel that way about men, too. I have dated no few men that in retrospect, I go, “How could I even be with him?” He isn’t what I want in a relationship, how did I manage that?

In the end, it’s that I meet a guy, I like who he is, and I misinterpret that admiration and desire to be like them as attraction. There’s a two fold problem there, because it bases my ability to be attracted to them off of my extremely high standards that I would fulfill to be close to that person. IE, in order to be myself, but be like this guy I think I’m interested in, I have to be myself in the ways that I like AND adopt the things I like about him. Conversely, when he starts to be exceedingly different from me, particularly ways in which I find to be dealbreakers, I lose all attraction for him.

Net result is that from here on out, I need to start seriously differentiating what I find attractive and appealing sexually and emotionally, and what I identify with and admire. I have known this is an issue with women, but previous to my recent what if contemplations, I had never really looked at how it could affect the way I pick men as lovers.

I’m still sorting out my what-if issue. Maybe in time I will realize that I really am transgendered, but right now I believe I’m leaning toward something like, “Mentally intersexed” which is to say that I loathe gender boundaries mentally and emotionally, and I wish I could just… Move between the two sexes. I may experiment with genderbending more, and see what I find.

 

Now, naturally, this begs the question I haven’t been answering: How does my childhood sexual abuse affect my possible genderqueer issues? I’m not sure. I need a therapist before I can start sorting that shit out. I can’t say it’s unrelated, at all. I mean, part of my childhood sexual identity was the knowledge that my inherent gender qualities made me a victim. In retrospect, I know that’s not true. There was another little boy in our complex getting abused by his father, and at the time I had no idea.

But I daresay there is something off-putting about having your sexual identity impacted by your sexual violation starting at age 8.

I think in time, I’ll understand more. For now, I think the most important part is to start differentiating between “want” and “want to be.”

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~ by oniongirl13 on June 29, 2011.

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