Love Is

I’ve thought a lot lately about what love will have to be like for me, because it has become clear to me that I am not basic dating/marriage. I am poly because I require freedom and lack of obligation for me and my partner. I want my partner to go get sex elsewhere if I can’t for a month or two because my head shit has gotten too deep. I want them to want me to go to who I need for what I need when I need it, not require me to put them first in all things even if someone else would be better for me right then.

I’ve thought a lot about what love means, and what I’ve concluded is that love isn’t the happy times. Infatuation and giddy Cloud 9 love affairs are easy. The giving, adoring feeling when you’d walk through fire for a person and want nothing more than to spend every moment with them is easy.

The moments of truth are in the rough times. Love isn’t two weeks of clingy bliss. It’s the helplessness of sitting outside someone’s room as they lie in bed miserable with depression and don’t want to see you. It’s the raw terrible feeling after a knock down drag out argument and whether you can make it back from that.

Loving someone is easy. Staying when they need you or being able to tell them you need them is hard.

I’ve come to the realization that it’s not that I’m unlovable, or undesirable. It’s that I’m complicated, and I’m going to need a very special person to love forever. I’m going to need someone with a well of patience that is near bottomless. I’m going to need someone with a depth of compassion, a thick skin, an ability to take care of themselves and their needs without putting pressures on me, and I’m going to need someone who can catch me if I fall and tolerate being vulnerable enough to be caught if they fall.

This is good. I’ve found some guidelines. I know what won’t work. It’s a start. When I want to date again, at least I have some ideas of what will work.

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~ by oniongirl13 on July 20, 2011.

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