This year, I moved out of my home. I headed to another home with two people who have long supported me, and sought me out to ask me to move in with them. They stressed that they understood that I’m disabled, and that this isn’t a jumping off point. They understood that I wasn’t going to suddenly improve and become wildly successful, and I’m still very much in the hell of trying to deal with my head shit.

I spent some time watching a show with an adoptive child storyline in it. She dropped a plate and then ran away and hid, flinching under a table, and her two new parents were shocked and reassured her that she wouldn’t be punished for an accident.

My second month here, I went to cut something on a cutting board. It was bowed and flexed, from old water damage, and I thought it would just bend with me because it looked pretty well used. Instead it snapped clean in half just from the pressure of my hand on it (it was bowing upward.) I immediately called one of my new roommates and apologized in a panic, assuring her that I’d buy a replacement as soon as I had money to, and I was really sorry. She was confused, said it was no big deal, and those cutting boards were both old and a bit warped and annoying.

I realized that I wasn’t so different from the girl with the plate. I still flinch a lot.

My relationship with my family is very complicated. I don’t hate them, nor do I feel they’re necessarily bad for me all the time. I do feel they were bad for me growing up for a host of reasons. One of the foremost is that I didn’t know what unconditional love was like before I moved here.

I spent a lot of time defending my family and being told by everyone how great they were. What I didn’t realize was how little of that was really true at all. Love from my mother was and always has been conditional. I’ve based a lot of my mental health until my move on having her in my “corner” so to speak. I’ve come to realize she never really was, and how she talks about me and treats me in public sets me back. I’ve realized that there’s always been a threat of punishment, an assurance that I would suffer if I screwed up.

I can tell because I just keep flinching.


~ by oniongirl13 on September 25, 2011.

One Response to “Unconditional”

  1. Hi,

    I’m glad that you are in a good situation with some good people who treat you appropriately. It is hard to stop flinching, I know, been there myself. Good and healing thoughts to you.


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